I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
