apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
