absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
