Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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