My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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