were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
