you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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