So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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