Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
