I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
