I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
