Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
