Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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