is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
