It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
