I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
