FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Randomize
