I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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