No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
