First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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