I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
