Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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