Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
