The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
