Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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