i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
