I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
