saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
