and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
