I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
