we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
