I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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