Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
