I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
