haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
