Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
