When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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