picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
