just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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