I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
