In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
