In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
