I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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