Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
