i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
