I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
