my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
