awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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