the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You are a booty call, not a friend.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
