Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
